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An open letter

Dear man gorilla elephant unidentified zoo animal that lives above me,

Hey! How’s it going? Oh, never mind. I know how it’s going.

I hear all of the things.

As much as I’d love to list all of the many things that grind my gears about you (like the fact that I can hear your cell phone vibrate on your coffee table, or that you wear cement blocks for shoes), I won’t.

I’m fully aware that paper thin structure of this building built in the 50’s let’s me hear everything regarding every aspect of your life.

There is one thing that has me concerned baffled creeped the fuck out.

Your washroom sounds.

Those deep, loud, animal moans.

I can’t bear to think of what you’re actually doing, but I imagine it’s something like this:

Seriously, man.

You’re creeping me the fuck out.

Just stop, dude.