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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Awkward Olympics: Gold Medal

Get ready for some excitement!

Join me on the magnificent journey that was a forced team lunch.

Victim A:

uhhhhVictim B:

ob1Victim C:

sigh

Me:

ohrly

McHuh:

bubbles

<Everyone takes an extra-long exaggerated drink of water>

Victim A:

tenseVictim B:

emma-boredVictim C:

mondays (1)Me:

almost-careMcHuh:

bubbles

<Everyone takes an extra-long exaggerated read through the menu>

Victim A:

whatever

Victim B:

pumpkin.gif.pagespeed.ce.bZZ9QHTMW9Victim C:

whatever (1)Me:

karen (The office)McHuh:

bubbles

<Everyone takes an extra-long exaggerated bite of their food>

Victim A:

oh-godVictim B:

bleak-catVictim C:

not_having_it

Me:

well-like-whatever

McHuh:

Everyone else:

nothing-to-say.gif.pagespeed.ce.KE2Y1wA7Uz

McHuh:
bubbles

The end.

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The vague police called, they want their comments back

eyeroll

Quote of the fucking day.

McHuh: Ummm sooo-like. Here is my very detailed and specific feedback that took me a month to put together. Let me know if it makes sense, mkay? I put a lot of thought into this, mkay?

Don’t use CAPS

My response:  In the title? On the screen? For the video segments? In the reference sheet? In the words at the start of the sentence? In life?

I haven’t used ALL-CAPS once in this 40 slide module or in the reference guide, if that’s what you’re referring to. Be specific and identify the ‘CAPS’ you speak of, please.

maniac-typing

Ensure the questions in the reference sheet match the online questions exact wording

Read: Somewhere in these 40 slides and/or 10 page reference guide, there is a typo. I think? Anyways, you should, like, check or something? Right? Does that make sense?  I identified it earlier but now I think I forget? Because I didn’t write it down? Can you remind me? You know, like, where I think it might have been? I think it’s like, between page 1 and 40? Does that help? Maybe ask the interwebs?

My response:

spacey-bitch-pleaseernietumblr_m5ahh6LzAr1qztwte

The internet, it tells me things.

McHuh: Ummm soo, great presentation. It was, you know, good-like.

Me: Thanks.

McHuh: So like,  great music choice! How did you know those songs?!

Me: From life?

<This is the list of songs: Lovely day – Bill Withers, Praise You – Fat Boy Slim, We are the Champions – Queen, Thank You – Sly and the Family Stone>

McHuh: Oh so did you know them? Or did you, like, ask the internet?

Me: ?

  download (10)

McHuh: You know, like, did the internet tell you which songs to use?

Me: Are you trying to ask me if I googled the songs?

oh-really-now.gif.pagespeed.ce.RNhAvzHA8g

McHuh: Ya like, did you ask the internet? Did it tell you what to pick?

Me: In this case, no. I just thought of the songs I wanted and used them. I already had them.

McHuh: OH! You had the songs?!  You should really write that down.

Me: Write what down?

McHuh: The songs?? So you, like, remember.

Me: So I remember what?

McHuh: The songs???

Me: I remember which songs I used. I made the thing.

325

McHuh: Okayokayokay, but you should write them down in case someone wants to use them at, like, a celebration or a party.

Me: Are you trying to ask me to give you the list of songs?

McHuh: Well just in case you want to remember.

Me:

tumblr_mrsoapHwIX1sp7ha5o1_400

Elevator Etiquette

funny-Darth-Vader-elevator

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you

So, get this…. I mean, I know it’s a hard concept to grasp and all, but just hear me out.

When getting onto an elevator, take a fucking moment to let people off first, rather than steam-rolling over them like a spooked  horse that just saw the ghost of Mr. Ed.

tumblr_mbwfo9xjCU1qgqj2zo1_400

Why are you in such a hurry, anyhow?

In fact, when you push someone to the back of the elevator to the point that they have to walk around you to get off the elevator, it actually increases the time it takes for you to go to your ever so important whateverthefuck.

How about them apples?

Also, that over-exaggerated sigh isn’t fooling anyone. You’re still the asshole.

Manners. Use them.

nmlfl_6_723363

“Picnic”

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you / Factual Fact

One thing to look forward to when an all-day planning meeting is in your future….

Food.

1545045_348833758592965_482308720_n

If I have to sit in the same chair for 7.5 hours discussing the values and feelings of my future year, while continuously making this face (seriously it’s hard for 7.5 hours):

images (19)

….at the very least, provide me with a soggy veggie wrap, friend.

If I have to listen to the word BOLTH 67 times in the same day, hand me one of those over-ripe melon slices, yo.

If I have to wonder if that bug crawling across the table actually came out of that nest hair of the teeth sucker, throw over that warm yogurt cup, buddy!

If I have to hold hands and sing kumbaya with my group like a fucking kindergarten student, goddamn pass me that severely bruised banana, pal!

Quote(s) of the day:

Dear staff:

1

Oh? Picnic? That sounds… cold?

p2

Hmmm… This sounds like it’s going down the hand-holding path. p4Because we have a choice?

p3This is suspicious. Our last opportunity to eat and engage included and agenda of exactly how we will be eating and engaging.

It’s 12:13, put that sammich down!! You are done. Time to have a conversation with someone who you aren’t sitting beside. And it better be meaningful, dammit!

p5Oh wow. Don’t hold back. 30 whole minutes?! How noble of you.

p4bPICNIC

Bhahahaha!  Mkay. So really what you mean to say is this:

Hi. We are having a day-long meeting about your feelings and how that will play out in the next year. Since we don’t want to provide you with food, we are going to call it a ‘picnic’ and have you bring your own food as per every other single day, because fuck you, what am I? Your mother? Right. So, bring your own grub, sit at the meeting table (in groups of five), hold hands and talk about how hand holding can increase productivity, produce a skit about it, present that skit and you better goddamn smile while you do, then we all finish with a group number of Kumbaya and you bet your ass you’re going to sing, oh and at some point I guess take a bite of food. You have 30 minutes. And GO!

congrats-on-that-pile-of-nothing

tumblr_mplf6zJ7Af1qa8mq1o2_250tumblr_mplf6zJ7Af1qa8mq1o4_250tumblr_mplf6zJ7Af1qa8mq1o3_250Etc, etc.

Fuck you very much

Factual Fact/Here’s some fucking wisdom for you.

If my instructions to download/access/view/use a product work for everyone except for you, then you are in fact the problem – not me. It is not a ‘programming’ problem or a ‘design’ problem.

tumblr_msxp2mgEmv1qafbqjo6_250

It is a problem of:

a) You have no fucking clue how to use a computer.

b) You have no fucking clue how to read an email.

c) You have no fucking clue how to follow instructions.

Fuck you very much!

Middle-Finger-510