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Monthly Archives: November 2013

BBQ Farts

Funny-Girlfriends-and-Chips-MEME-and-LOL

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you (#614)

How to eat chips on the subway during rush hour:

1) Don’t.

2) If you are literally dying of hunger and you must..

Do: Close your mouth when you chew. Remember how mommy taught you? Good.

Do: Wait to swallow before speaking so we aren’t subjected to watching shards of chip stick to the front of your coat, and shoot into that lady’s hair.

Don’t:  Touch the pole with the hand you’re using to eat your chips.

Don’t: Lick the fingers you’re using to eat the chips and then touch the pole.

Don’t: Repeat the above 2 steps.

Don’t: Wipe your hands on the coat of the person next to you. Gross.

Don’t: Crumble and throw the bag on the ground and pretend that no one has been watching you eat chips for the last 15 minutes.

Don’t: Let out obnoxious BBQ burps and pretend that no one has been watching you eat chips for the last 15 minutes.

Don’t: Let out a constant string of silent BBQ farts and pretend that no one has been watching you eat chips for the last 15 minutes.

Don’t: Do all of these things before 8:30am. Just don’t.

The end.
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You didn’t see me because of your headphones.

I’ve mentioned in the past how amazing headphones are. I just want to reiterate their miraculous glory. Without them, my Friday could have turned quite sour.

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Quote of the fucking day.

McHuh:  Zomg. Like so… I totally saw you. Earlier.

Me: Mkay.

McHuh:  Ya! We, like,  crossed paths.

Me: Mkay?

………..

………………….

…………………………..

Me: And…?

McHuh: Well, you were wearing your headphones, so you didn’t see me.

Me: Oh! Right. I can’t see anything when I wear my headphones.

<intermission>

<Obviously I saw McHuh and continued on as to avoid a potentially awkward as fuck conversation that would have went like this:

McHuh: Oh Hiiiiiiiiiiii. Where are you off to?

Me: Work.

McHuh: Oh riiiight. Because… right…. ummm.. ya because. Oh.

Me: Yep. You got it.

Please note that the above sample is best case scenario. The very best possible case.>

<intermission>

McHuh: I was screaming your name…. screaming it over and over. In the street! Just… ya. Ummm…

Me:

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McHuh: ….but you didn’t see me, because of your headphones.

Me: Well, how about that… they’re multi-purpose.

McHuh:

bush-confused3

Me:

talklessswanson

Un-pat on the back.

Factual Fact:

I often get requests to do tribute videos. You know, cheese-with-some-extra-cheese-on-the-side, type things. I’m down with it.

Even when people don’t understand the time that goes into these things and expect me to pull it out of my ass while I’m sleeping, I’m still down with it.

It’s fun for me. *Nerd alert*

Anyhoo, it just so happened that I was voluntold to create one for a coworker that retired.

McHuh: Do a good job but don’t spend any time on it, but make it amazing but make it basic, but everyone is expecting something great, but don’t really put much effort into it, and have it done in two days, mkay?

Naturally, I didn’t follow that stellar advice.

….Many hours and swears later……

Success! It oozed cheese and chuckles.

During the post-viewing mingle, many niceties were said, which is… you know, nice.

Quote of the fucking day

McHuh: I wish she didn’t do such a good job.

(let’s revisit)

“I wish she didn’t do such a good job.”

Everyone:

the fuck1

McHuh:  Well, like. Now she’s set a precedent, so everything has to be good.

Everyone:

fe3

McHuh:

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Never, ever, ever in my life… oh wait, expect for here…. have I had a boss (or anyone, for that matter) who encouraged me not to do my best. I mean, not ever.

There are no words. (Other than all of the words I just wrote)

Also, this:

Stop it.

gross

Factual Fact:

Attention! This is not an activity suitable for public transit.

And yes, I threw up in my mouth a little when you blew your DNA onto my coat.

Keep your goddamn nail dust to yourself.

Just…. gross.

A+ Champ!!

Right, so… I was gone for a while, and now I’m back. I thought about writing some dramatic reason for my absence, but the truth is, it’s not that interesting. So there. I’m back because I need an outlet or I will lose my precious mind (it’s entirely possible that I’ve already lost it).

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you (#20)

If you’ve been employed in the same position for a year, and still need to ask how and where to save a file, you’re:

A) Clearly not fit for this job, and/or

B) Spend too much time in a drunken crack smoking stupor with Rob Ford. In either instance, seriously get the fuck out of here already.

funny-Ron-Swanson-Parks-and-Recreation

Let’s reflect:

These types of questions have come up in the past. That’s what inspired this post, and this post, oh and also this post. Right.

Today I was asked to explain the system, in which this person has been using every. single. day.

McHuh: Soooo ummm-like. Where do you, like… save that? Or something? Just how does this work?

Me: 

We’re talking about a three step system here. Three steps. Uno, dos, tres. It’s actually quite simple, but this is how I’d like to simplify it even more.

Step 1

The ‘working’ folder will now be labelled,

Oh HIIII! Oh hello, there. Nice shirt, you look great. So I see you’re working on something? Oh, great. Good for you. So since you’re working on something, why don’t you place that file here for the time being. Just double click me, and inside you will find a folder with the subject in where I belong.

Step 2

The ‘approved/final product’ folder will now be labelled,

Oh hey you! Is that a finished product I see there? Well, I’ll be damned. Good job. You keep up that good work. High fives, hugs, smiles, etc. Well, since that is a finished product, why don’t you come over here and double click me? Then you can place me in the appropriate subject folder that has to do with that awesome thing you just made. Wow, you are SO fucking awesome. Kick ass.

Step 3

The ‘original development’ material folder will now be labelled,

Oh, it’s you again? What’s up? Oh I know! You’ve finished that product, but still would like to keep all of those raw files you worked so hard on, just in case there are further modifications in the future. Smart thinking. A+ Champ!! Why don’t you just double click me, and put me in the that folder that has to do with the subject of your project. Is that a new hair cut? You look great. Let’s do lunch.

tumblr_mceyg1AkUy1qkpp2eo1_400Is that so hard? IS IT?!!