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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Headphones.

Factual Fact* (#3)

*Factual facts are suggestions**. I swear*** to unicorns**** I’ve never tried this.

**See what I did there?

***I swear a lot, so it’s true.

****What do you mean unicorns don’t exist?

images

If you are lucky enough to work in an office that has an open concept layout scattered with cubicle condos, do yourself a solid and invest in some headphones (not just for the obvious noise blocking reasons).

Actually, they don’t even need to be in working condition. People assume you are listening to something and are concentrating really, really, hard. They will eventually learn not to bother you and apologize profusely for the disturbance.

Behold these simple steps:

1. Never make eye contact, even if you can hear them. Just keep typing.

Random McRandom: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey can I ask… hey? <knocks on desk> Umm? Hey?

You: <typidy type type, concentrating hard,  typidy type type, concentrating hard, typidy type type>

2. Appear startled when you ‘finally’ notice them.

You: <jumps out of chair a little> Oh! You scared me! <places hand on chest>I didn’t see you there. Phew!

Random McRandom: Oh, sorry. Sorry!!! So sorry.

3. Ask them to repeat themselves, at least once.

You: No problem. I’m just… really… <ruffles papers> focused.

Random McRandom: So I was wondering if you tell me how to such and such and then do this and that for me?

You: Sorry, what are you asking? I’m still startled.

4. Squint.

You: <squints at McRandom, while moving mouse around furiously>Hold on, let me just finish this…. just one sec…

Random McRandom: Oh, sorry. Sorry to bother you. You know what? Never mind, you’re busy. I can get it from JoeCool Coworker.

You: <ruffles papers, looks genuinely concerned> Oh,  are you sure? It’s no prob–

Random McRandom: Oh yes. So sorry to bother you! Sorry!

You: <wins, does silent cheer>

5. Rinse, and repeat.

Thank you for your inspiration,  George Costanza.

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I’m a unitard

are-you-fucking-kidding-me

Quote of the fucking day.

McHuh: Where do you keep our team meeting documents?

Me:

Come.

ON.

Some background:

After McHuh being here for seven months (Yep, count them with me… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 months. MONTHS! Months, people.),  that is pretty much the equivalent of asking which button to press to go ‘up’ on the elevator, or how to copy a file. Oh, right. That’s been established.

Here are three easy steps to guide you to find your team’s folder (also know as – the area of your computer that you should be spending 95% of your time in, considering this is your staff and all).

1.

omg1

Click on ‘Computer’. This opens a window that contains all accessible directories and folders on your computer. I know, right?

2. Within the directory of which is labelled by the department you belong to, double click on the folder that is titled after your team name (see, because that’s your team. Clever, huh?)

3.

omg3

Holy fucking shit, dude! There is totally like a folder called ‘Team Meetings’ in my team folder, where all other team related staff info type files, like, exist?

Mind.

Blown.

Dress shirt: 1, Me: 0

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you (#103).

So this happened:

Sometimes when you feel like everyone is staring at you on the subway, it’s not because you’re rocking it and you look awesome today (even though you totally are). It might possibly also be that the top three buttons of your dress shirt are undone, leaving a perfect view of the girls.

And now I remember why that dress shirt hung in my closet for a year. RIP dress shirt.  You’re welcome, rush hour commuters.

nice-melons

Avoid abbreviations and facial signs.

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you (#29).

In case by chance, you were not clear on the do’s and don’ts of emailing, you’re in luck, friends!

This exists in our employee policy. In real life.

1

Holy shit!!! It’s a combination of speaking and writing?

Mind. Blown.

2

WAIT, WHAT?

3

Facial ‘signs’. Like this?

BA002BFacialShopBeautySalonDisplayLEDLightSign

4

Wait. If I don’t reply, does it confirm that my email address is dead?

5

I feel that you’re yelling at me by bolding those words. ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?! 

Hey, why won’t this file open?

025

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you (#87).

Our file naming convention:

yyyymmdd – subject.file extension

For example:

20130612 – Birds_v4.doc

Other people’s (okay.. one person’s) file naming convention:

Thursday – Hi this is about birds_%^@#birds are great. I like birds.?! (*^That’s why I named this file after birds. Once I was sitting on a park %$#@^_) bench and a bird came up and I fed it. I wrote about that one already so this is like, the 54@#$%6 time now and then I was like %^#w_///?_and stuff/,@~/ _birds?.doc

Soup nazi

Here’s some fucking wisdom for you (#13).

Me: <quietly scarfing down my lunch>

Dreamcrusher: WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU EATING? IS THAT SOUP?

Me: <regains balance after being blown away because LOUD NOISES> Yes, soup.

Dreamcrusher: What kind of soup?

Me: Tomato.

Dreamcrusher: I DON’T LIKE THAT. NOPE. NO WAY. I DON’T LIKE THAT AT ALL. DOES IT HAVE SPICES? BECAUSE IF IT DOESN’T THEN I DON’T LIKE IT. AT ALL. NEVER. HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT? NOPE. OH, BROTHER. OH, NO. NEVER WOULD I EAT THAT. NOPE. NO TOMATO SOUP.

Me:

20523678 (2)

Why the fuck…

Quote of the fucking day.

McHuh: I need you to print the promotional bookmark for the website, and then, I guess… ummm-like… print a blank piece of paper that has the website link on it so they can access the site… and attach it to the bookmark.

Me: <trying really, really, really, really, really, hard to keep a straight face> What??  You mean the link that is on the front and back of the bookmark? The bookmark that promotes the website? The website link that is printed all over the bookmark? That link?

Jesus.dense